


do they have within, The sons of the glorious gods?" - the fic

by azurelunatic



Category: Breakfast Pastry (anthropomorphic), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: I tried to get my friend to beta this, M/M, Not Beta Read, Not Lube, Recreational Drug Use, but all I got was a lecture about how I was using the wrong cooking product as lube, even though there are plenty of toasters, idk maybe one of the toasters is really a cylon, lube/not-lube, maybe one of the toaster pastries was a cylon, maybe you're a cylon, no cylons, pop tarts, toaster pastries, toasterfuck jizzworld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-18 05:42:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2337278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azurelunatic/pseuds/azurelunatic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the first Bad Bang, we saw Thor fucking a Pop Tart, while getting reamed by a Ninja Turtle. It was the most erotic thing I ever saw.</p>
<p>But I wanted to give it a sequel. So here is a Pop-Tart, fucking Thor to find out what is with in.</p>
<p>Contains boy kissing, pastires. Don't like don't read.</p>
            </blockquote>





	do they have within, The sons of the glorious gods?" - the fic

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [do they have within, The sons of the glorious gods?" - Art](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2319866) by [In The Boop Boop Room (norabombay)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/norabombay/pseuds/In%20The%20Boop%20Boop%20Room). 



Thor was a guy, well, god, who liked it hot. So hot that one time he tried to have sex with a pop tart. Unfortunately he got his dick stuck. It could have been worse except all the ninja turtles were there and thyey were able to call 911 to get his dick out of the pop tart. 

"Jesus christ all of you are fuckheads who don't have enough sense to pour pee out of a boot if the instructions are written on the bottom" April said when she came in and jerked the poptart off Thors dick (not giving the poptart a hand job but pulling it away because Thor was sometimes not able to think of the right thing 2 do because he wasd a god and had better things to think about liek what he was going ot eat for brakfast because he had dick in his poptart now) and she called 911 back and told them that everything was ok now it was just that her friends were collectively a dumbass. 

Wait maybe it was Darcy not April, I like Darcy better than April because Darcy is more sassy. Maybe Darcy and April could be BFFs and also have lots of oral sex that would be awesome!!!!! OK April and Darcy are datng now it's great. 

So it was Darcy who rescued Thor from sticking his dick in a pop tart. 

And told Thor that apparently he had to have supervision around poptarts now if that is what he was going to do with them. 

 

"Darcy hath decreed that I must have adult supervision around breakfast pastries henceforth!" Hor intoned to his friend the ninja turtle Botticelli, who was inexplicably lounging around the kitchen before breakfast. (Tony gave the Ninja Turtles a floor somewhat below the Avengers' area. The ninja turtles had half and April had half. It smelled better than the sewers and all of the turtles had to get hosed off before they were allowed to come in the front door. April and Darcy had a lot of sex all over April's suite. It was awesome.) 

"No dude, she said you had to have supervision with poptarts, dude," the wily terrapin, who apparently had either super good memory or else JARVIS was helping. "Dude, there are plenty of toastable breakfast pastries that are not poptarts. Come on, dude." 

And with that, Botticelli rounded up Tintoretto, Giorgione, and Bosch, and they all drove their cars and parked at the giant supermarket in the middle of Manhattan, with a brief detour when Bosch fortunately remembered that even though the ninja turtles didn't have to wear pants, Thor still did have to. 

 

In an epic grocery run which alarmed all of the near-minimum-wage shelf stockers, cashiers, and those people who walk around helpfully and expect you to steal something if you're a teenager, a visible minority, or both, the turtles adn Thor bought: 

Every flavor of Toaster Strudel  
Some Toastettes  
Toast'em Pop-Ups  
Toastables  
the store brand  
the other store brand  
The kind with the icing packets  
and some fruit pies for good measure (you know, the ones which are shaped like a calzone except they are filled with possibly atomic-powered lemon or cherry goo AND APPARENTLY YOU CAN'T FIND THEM AT SAFEWAY ANYMORE BECAUSE SAFEWAY HATES HAPPINESS AND I MADE MYSELF HUNGRY WRITING THIS I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY). 

Plus the TUrtles bought some pop-tarts for themselves, and also ~~3~~ ~~5~~ ~~7~~ 8 take-and-bake pizzas. 

Plus a big bag of weed from one of the shady-looking guys in the parking lot, because, like, dude. 

 

So the turtles put their poptarts away in their kitchen on their floor and then they came up to the avengers kitchen floor with the weed and pizzas and started to get baked while Thor lined up the not-poptarts in order of size, flavor, frosting type, and general fuckability. By this time everyone was stoned enough that it seemed like a good idea when Thor said: 

"WHYFORE IST ITH THAT I CAN FUCKETH YON POPTART BUT CANNOT IN TURN BE FUCK-ÉD BY A POPTART??!?!?" 

So Thor waved his hammer (his real hammer, not his Captain Hammer hammer) and a lightning bolt came in through the window and transformed the toaster strudel (oh right, that's the kind with the icing packet) a lot bigger. 

Then the really big toaster strudel strapped on its icing packet and grabbed the can of Pam and sprayed it all over before jamming its wide and surprisingly long icing packet up Thor's mighy7 godhole. 

So there Thor was bent over the kitchen island takin' it up the pooper and really enjoying himself. The toaster strudel had incredible stamina, and Thor had already cum like 3 times with his mighty cock (not his hammer, that was in the corner or something, you would not believe the damage that Mjolnir can do when it lands on top of a bag of chips when flung there by a Norse god in the throes of ecstasy). At first the ninja turtles were aroused by the idea of Thor getting banged by the toaster strudel, but then the ovens all beeped simultaneously (there were a lot of ovens, because it was a big kitchen with all the tools) and they started eating their pizza instead of watching Thor. Because they were really stoned. And hungry. 

oNE OF the turtles looked up, I think it was Giorgione, and said, "Wow man, it's really giving it to you good! Cowabunga!" 

At which point the toaster strudel told everybody that mammal-essentialism was terrible and went on a rant about the pronouns that the turtles should use when describing how he was fucking Thor. And just because he strapped on his dick did not make him any less of a man. It went on for quite some time, during which the turtles finished all the pizza (even the really nice artichoke, bacon, and sun-dried tomato one with the artisanal cheeses that they'd meant for April and her girlfriend) and had started in on some of the other things in the kitchens -- Tintoretto was eating a really complicated-looking sandwich that had been labeled with Clint's name on a little flag on the toothpick stuck through it, and Bosch had just spread Crisco on a cucumber -- when the faint clunk of the elevator lobby door sounded, and then the distant *WHACK* of someone going through the succession of security doors between the lobby and the kitchen started getting louder and louder. 

Thor's hand was pumping furiously on his dick and little tentacles of power like the sparks off one of those big sparky machines that Arc Attack uses for their synthesizer had started to form around the crown of his cock. Little sizzles of energy dripped to the floor along with the dick juice which was freely slopping around in a way that was probably sexy if you were Thor or the toaster strudel or maybe Jane (Thor is totes pansexual and he doesn't discriminate, not even if the toaster strudel had been a gender he'd never heard of before). Thor's other hand was reached way around behind him, fist buried deep in the jammy center of the toaster strudel's ass, because he was flexible like that and also a god. Also a toaster strudel is kind of thin even when it's human sized, so it's only just about as hard as fisting yourself, which Thor was also good at because he is a god with godlike needs. 

And it was into this scene redolent of pot, pizza, Pam, god-spunk, hot fruit filling and pastry, and whatever the hell was in Clint's sandwich (Limburger? sauerkraut? dead skunk? ... no, that was probably the weed, it was not good weed, which is what you kind of expect when you pick it up from some sketch dude in the parking lot of a midtown Manhattan Kroger) that Darcy burst. 

Even though Darcy was fresh from screwing April brainless all over April's suite, she was pretty peeved. "HALT!" she yelled. 

The sudden shock of being screamed at made Thor come unexpectedly hard. God spooge and lightning got all over the place. He clenched his godly ass. Between that and the at least half hour, or maybe it had been an hour, of rubbing, the plastic of the toaster strudel's dong, which had been weakened by the Pam and the friction, exploded inside of Thor. Gooey white icing ran out of Thor's godhole and down the back of his cinnamon-bun pale thigh. The toaster pastry swore. 

"Don't you call me that in my own kitchen!" Darcy said. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?! AND WHO RUINED MY BAG OF BARBEQUE CHIPS!!!!" Enraged and full of righteous fury, she picked up the nearest thing she could find to shake at the surprised animate pastry. 

It was Mewmew! In that moment, Darcy's rage was pure and sweet, and she held the power of Thor in her hand. A stream of lightnigh bolts shot from the toaster strudel back into Mewmew, and the toaster pastry shrank and hit the floor in a mess of jam and crumbs. The now tiny plastic icing container slipped out of Thor's ass and plopped down on top. It was kind of gross. Too gross for Botticelli, who had been eyeing the fallen pastry hungrily. Bosch passed him the greasy cucumber, and Botticelli took a bite from the other end. 

"This is just fucking it," Darcy said. "Thor, you're banned from all forms of breakfast pastry. I am so disappointed in you. And you!" she said to the turtles, who had the grace to look kind of abashed in the ruin of pizza boxes around them. "I'm going to let April deal with you. After you clean this all up." 

"Awww," chorused the four turtles and Thor. 

"I'm going to miss that toaster strudel guy," Thor said sadly as he pushed the mop. Even though there were plenty of Roombas around, Darcy made the Roombas stay away because Thor should learn a lesson about cleaning up after his own mess. 

"Don't worry," Botticelli whispered to Thor. "They make these sausages on a stick which are wrapped in pancake..."

**Author's Note:**

> <http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Renaissance_artists>  
> <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandro_Botticelli>  
> <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tintoretto>  
> <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giorgione>  
> <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hieronymus_Bosch>  
>  The nearest thing to an actual giant supermarket I could find in google maps of midtown manhattan was a Whole Foods, which is blatantly not going to have the selection they're looking for, and certainly does not have a parking lot like that.  
> <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_pastries> has already eaten large chunks of time, but is included because it is a fascinating list.  
> [http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1346&dat=19930627&id=J7tNAAAAIBAJ&sjid=6vwDAAAAIBAJ&pg=6782,2630715](http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1346&dat=19930627&id=J7tNAAAAIBAJ&sjid=6vwDAAAAIBAJ&pg=6782,2630715)  
> <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toaster_pastry>  
> you would not believe [the discussion of Crisco vs. Pam that I had just now](http://azurelunatic.dreamwidth.org/7341242.html). DON'T WORRY I FOUND A WAY TO KEEP THE CRISCO MUCH BELOVED BY FISTERS EVERYWHERE  
> <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdrqdW4Miao>


End file.
